Real and Untouched

I believe there comes a time when one has to give a deep self-examination to find the flaws and problems the lie at the core of the individual. So this is my time. Find the problems that remain, and overcome them.

I'm selfish. It's been hard for me to see that what's best for other people is not in line with what I want. It has been really, really freaking hard to let go of that. It's been something I've been fighting for and fighting for and not getting it has been tearing me apart. I'm trying my best to reconcile the fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do anymore. I've done it all. I've tried everything. I'm beyond the point of exhaustion. I've been someone I'm not. I. I. I. me. me. me. It's been all about me and having my needs met. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone along the way. I'm constantly asking God to grant me opportunities to leave myself behind and be in the presence of those who truly need love. Those whom I can serve selflessly.

I lack self-control. My emotions overwhelm me and dig deep in my soul. It makes me do things I wouldn't normally do. I've been taking some huge risks and trying to do everything in my power to change things. But sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I realize that nothing will change. I've just got to let go and pray for the best. It's hard to let go, for me especially because it's something I believe in, something I truly desire. I put it in God's hands now. Everything is in his hands and I'm praying that his will be done NO MATTER WHAT. It's out of my control.

I do things without thinking. I have a habit of acting on things that just pop into my head without thinking of the consequences that could result. All my life that has usually worked out for me, but now as I get older I see that the results are becoming catastrophic. Each time I act, it pushes me farther and farther away from what who I really am. I need to stop, slow down, and think things through. God grant me the patience and understanding in every situation. Give me the ability to contemplate what I am about to do and if it should be done at all.

I have trouble following through with promises and commitments. This is one I really, really hate. I hate myself when I break a promise. I destroy the trust that I have built with people. I destroy the trust I have built within myself. I want to be a man of my word. I want to follow through with everything I say. I want to be dependable. When I say I'm going to do something, I want to do it. My problem with commitments is not that I'm afraid of it, it's just that get burned out every once in awhile. I mean, at first I really, really want to do something, but then it just kind of fades away. I hate it. I hate it. I. Hate. It. God, grant me the passion to fulfill my commitments in full. Grant me the strength and endurance to follow through with my promises. I desire to be more like you Lord. You never break your promises. You never let me down.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure if I think of any more of my life problems I'll be sure to mention it. The reasoning for this is that I need help overcoming them. Sometimes I feel that they are beyond my control and I just need to be held accountable and supported in what I do.

Yes, I know I have problems, and I freely admit that.It's funny, kind of... My first three years of college have been great for me. I have had the time of my life with my friends and with abi and having a great time doing great things, but I still had these problems (plus many more) under my skin. I freely admit that deep down, I was a horrible person at times. I didn't realize until this semester that those problems were affecting every single part of my life and slowly destroying the things and people I cared most about. What's funny is, that now that I'm working on these problems, and I'm actually overcoming them, I lost some things that I have cared more about than anything else in my life.

I am feeling cleaner and more whole on the inside, while on the outside I'm completely devastated. I guess these are just some of the sacrifices we have to make to be right with God. I'm getting better every day. I feel stronger and more confident in my faith and my relationship with God. For once in my life, I feel that I have friends that care for me and are there for me when I need them. I have really missed out on that for the longest time. I honestly love you all.

Well, that's all for now. I've been doing a lot of introspection lately. Just wondering why things are they way they are. I have a lot to work on, but I'll be alright. It's a new month, Christmas is coming, and there will be fresh challenges that await me and force me to grow in Christ. God is guiding me and changing me in amazing ways. Thank you Lord... for everything.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

Well, after many hours of work today and yesterday, I finally finished a part of my site that I've been wanting to do for a long time. I have added a Photoblog. In this photoblog I have added a section for picture galleries and for a photoblog. So I think you should check it out. You can get to it from the menu above, or from here. Sweet, I hope you love it!

Well, I have mentioned most of the current problems that I am battling. I know that with the strength of God in me I will overcome them, and I am. Day by day I get stronger, and it's a beautiful thing. But, that doesn't erase the problems that I had in the past. I am wary to admit to some, due to the pre-conceived ideas that you might have about me, because I think those ideas might change. In complete honesty, if you knew who I really was during the low point of my life, you might not have liked me. Well, here I shall tell, not just for my own introspection, but for yours as well. I know many, many people suffer from the same problems that I did. What I realize now, is that all the problems were not separate from each other. Each problem fed off the other, while all together they fed from one central, huge problem. I find that I must freely admit my faults if I am ever to become a better, stronger person. I have admitted these to many people, and now, I shall admit them to any who is willing to listen.

Problem #1. I was addicted to pornography. I have been since Junior High. It has been a problem that I have dealt with half my life. It was a battle that I would always lose. I didn't have the will power to overcome it, and sometimes, I just didn't even care. Sometimes, I didn't see anything wrong with it, and sometimes the guilt overwhelmed me to the point of tears. Awhile back I admitted my problem to my best friend. It really, really hurt her and I felt so guilty for what I had done. She said it felt like I had been cheating on her this whole time. I desired to get better and to be cured of the addiction not just for myself, but for her. I was cured for awhile, but awhile later, I began to fall again... I just keep falling too... I didn't know what was wrong. I mean, I greatly desired to be clean, to be done with it. But I just couldn't resist. Last semester I joined an accountability group with a desire to get better, and I did, and I got better during the summer too. But the problem was still there, it didn't go away. Finally at the beginning of this semester, something changed. This change will be mentioned later, but the problem was gone. I realized what I needed and what God wanted of me, and I struck the addiction down. It is no longer a part of my life. I am free from this sin. The temptation will still remain, but through Christ I can finally resist this temptation.

Problem  #2. I was apathetic. This last summer and part of the last semester, I just completely didn't care. I didn't care about myself, I didn't care about those around me. I didn't know why at the time. I wasn't able to talk about my problems. I just didn't know what was wrong, but yet I didn't care. It affected everyone, even the people I cared for and loved the most. It caused me to do things I wouldn't normally do, and didn't help my problem with pornography at all. I hated who I had become, but I didn't know what was wrong and I couldn't change it. It really, really destroyed me.

Problem #3. I had a cheating heart. Here lies the problem I'm scared to admit because I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Seriously, if I could meet who I was back then, I would beat the snot out of myself. I had a cheating heart. Deep down inside I knew I had love for someone, but it was clouded by the apathy and pornograpghy and what I thought the world could offer me. Even though I had someone who loved me very deeply, I thought I could do better. I tried. I cheated. I lost. I was a failure. I became the very person I despised. I betrayed the person I love. I betrayed the God I love. I betrayed myself. I was pathetic, and at times, I still feel that way. For that, I don't deserve to be loved. For all of this, I don't deserve to be loved.

Problem #4. I didn't have God. Here lies the biggest problem of them all. The problem from which all the others stemmed. I didn't have God in my life. I called myself a Christian but that was in title only. I didn't do any of the things a christian should do. I didn't have that relationship with God that I heard so much about. I went to church, I tried to pray, but that's about it. Because I lost that connection, I started to try to find it in other things. There was a desire deep down to find that relationship back, but I never acted on it. This literally destroyed me. I have lost so, so much because of this. I have hurt many people, I have hurt myself, but most of all, I hurt God. He saw all the things I was struggling with, and wanted to help me so bad, but I refused. I thought I could do it on my own, but I was a fool.

How did I overcome this problems?

Well, things have changed drastically. I lost a person I care for very, very much, and because of this, this lost of stability in my life, I was sent head first crashing down. The only way out that I could see was to reach straight for God. He was the only thing that saved me during that time. I didn't have anything. I felt like I lost it all. So I just reached out with both hands hoping for someone to catch me. And he did. I finally allowed myself to be helped by Him, and he came running full speed and dove to catch me before I completely crashed. I have never experienced such a love, such a true and compassionate love than I have from God. I started to see what all he has been doing for me and everything and everyone he was putting in my life. My whole life I felt like I didn't have any really close friends. Finally, God gave me the friends that I have always desired. He brought them into my life at just the right time to give me a hand; to encourage me and be there for me when I needed a shoulder. I am so grateful for all of them.

It was during this time that I felt all those other problems melt away. They were just lifted from me. I was a new person. I was made new once again through Christ. It was an amazing feeling, and it still is. I know that God has freed me from everything that has brought me down. He helped me to throw it ALL off. I finally felt clean... finally felt... free.

This semester has been one hell of a time. I've been way up, I've been way done. I've lost. I've loved. I've cried. I've hurt. I've healed. I've felt more during this one semester than I ever have before. God has really cleaned me up, and I desire to stay that way. I long to be close to him. He has given me a love in my heart that is more powerful than anything I have ever felt, and I know that I have the faith and trust to rely on him during the absolute hardest of times. I will never need to give up, because Christ will be my rock. He will help me stand when I feel like falling. I have lost a lot... a lot... but I have gained a relationship with Christ that means more than anything to me.

I am whole.

I know who I was, and am free from that person.

I know exactly who I am now, and am glad to be me.

I love all who have helped me get to where I am now.

Thank you.

And thank you, Lord. For providing for me and pulling me free from the crap where I was stuck.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you...

As a note, if any of you who read this are having trouble in any of these areas, please... I want to help you. If you just need someone to talk to, I'm here. I don't want you to be who I was. I want to protect you from that. I want to show you the way out. Please, let me help you. But I can't help you if you don't desire to be helped. I love you all.

Well, I decided to attempt to broadcast my music on myspace, just like everyone else. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm trying anyway.

www.myspace.com/intothelion

I'll probably add more songs in the next few days. I don't know how to record or mix, but I'll try my best.

I hope you like it. Be my friend. I love you.

I don't know... for some reason the only thing on my mind is this song by Ben Folds. It's called evaporated. I feel like I have. I've just been tossed into the mist and I'm floating around looking for a place to land.

What I've kept with me
and what I've thrown away
don't know where the hell I've ended up
on this glary, random day
Were the things I really cared about
just left along the way
for being too pent up and proud?

woke up way too late
feeling hung over and old
and the sun was shining bright
and I walked barefoot
down the road
started thinking about
my old man
it seems that all men
wanna get into a car and go
anywhere

here I stand - sad and free
I can't cry and I can't see
what I've done
God. . .what have I done?

don't you know I'm numb, man
no I can't feel a thing at all
'cause it's all smiles and business
these days
and I'm indifferent to the loss
I've faith that there's a soul somewhere
who's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
which way is down. . .

here I stand - sad and free
I can't cry and I can't see
what I've done
God. . .what have I done?

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
it evaporated. . .see?

Blind man on a canyon's edge
of a panoramic scene
or maybe I'm a kite
that's flying high and random
dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home
they think I've lost my mind.

here I stand - sad and free
I can't cry and I can't see
what I've done
God. . .what have I done?

Really God... what have I done? I never knew I'd be here where I stand now. I can't see what you're doing Lord, but I'm not angry at you. I trust you more than ever now. Take my life, Lord. Take it and make it yours. Lead me, and I will follow. I surrender all. everything. my heart. my mind. my spirit. my... life. Make me part of a movement that is greater than anything I've seen before.

I desire to touch lives.

I desire to change people.

I desire to take you to those who need love.

Save me from myself Lord, and daily bring me one step closer to you. Amen.

As I sit here at work, this 7th day of December, after a drive in the first real snow of the season, while listening to Sufjan Stevens, I realize... I'm still me. I have changed a lot, but yet... I haven't. I am exactly who I was freshmen year, only better and more perfected in my devotion to the Lord. My past two Introspections have been about the problems I have faced and am currently facing. Now, I think it's time to be thankful for who I am now, and who God is creating me to be. I have a lot to be thankful for...

I am a cleaner, more pure person. It's amazing really. Like I mentioned before, most of my huge problems are gone. I'm so very thankful for that. It was like a cancer on my soul. Those problems were slowly eating away at me, and I was becoming a person I didn't want to be. Thank you Lord, for changing me and for not letting go when I need you.

I'm finally able to talk... to really, really talk. I have always been afraid to show who I really am. Deep down inside I've longed for deep, meaningful conversations about what life means and what God is doing in this world and in our lives. I crave it now... I can't get enough. I love going out to lunch or to coffee shops and just talking. I'm so glad the walls in my heart are finally broken. They have held me back from speaking for so long. Thank you Lord, for freeing me and allowing me to open my heart to my friends.

I have friends I wouldn't trade for anything. Seriously. I've never been this close to anyone outside of a relationship and now, I have so many wonderful close friends. I have really gotten to know people this past semester and I care about them... I really care about them. And they really care about me. I would do anything for them whenever they ask, and not think twice. Thank you Lord, for blessing me with such amazing friends who desire to help me grow in you.

I'm still crazy. That part of me hasn't change. It's been muted a bit, but it will come back with time. I love doing dumb and absurd things. I love to entertain not because it makes me feel good about myself, but because it makes others feel good about themselves. I have had some pretty grand schemes and some crazy moments, and every one of them has been worth it. Thank you Lord, for making me unique in your eyes and in the eyes of others. I am someone unlike anyone else, and it's amazing to be me.

I have a desire to seek God. It's true. I want to know what he wants of me. I want to do his will. I want to follow him with everything I've got. I want him to work through me so that I may further the work of his kingdom here. I love feeling this close to someone who loves me more than anything. He'll never leave me or abandon me. I've asked him questions that have no answers, and he's giving me answers to questions I've never asked. Thank you Lord, for saving me, for healing me, for loving me, for hearing me... Thank you Lord.

Now... I'm going to copy over something from my Myspace. It's a bunch of statements I find to be true about myself and who I have become:

I love until there is nothing left, and then I love more.
I have noticed I have trouble being myself when I am losing things I care about.
I am an awkward person. I have never been normal.
I have a passion for music. God has given me a talent and I want to put it to the best use possible.
I fight for what I believe in, even though everyone is fighting against me.
I don't give up.
Christ has saved me, and I am constantly learning and growing in him.
I have been broken over and over again... but I know God has a plan, at my lowest, most painful times, God is there and he feels what I'm going through.
I have faith in a God that will save me, and give me something beyond what I could ever imagine.
I have problems, but God is cleaning me from the inside out.
I make mistakes, but I learn and change because of them.
I am strongest when I am weak.
I am weakest when I think I'm strong.
I am a hopeless romantic.
I have many dreams and aspirations, and by God's good provision may I fulfill them all beyond what I imagine.
I greatly desire to help people through their problems. The best feeling in the world is just having a friend sit with you as you pour out your heart.
I have friends that love me, care for me, and would do absolutely anything for me.
I love my friends, and care for them, and would do absolutely anything for them. If you are my friend, and I do not treat you like my best friend, then you deserve better than me.
I desire to travel to distant places and see the marvelous things God has created.
I have never been more true, and more real with myself than I am right now.
I used to hid behind the walls in my heart, but I have destroyed them.
I do not hate.
I do things without thinking, but I am learning to pray and think through things before I take action.
I lack self-control, but I know God will give me the strength to overcome it.
I am selfish, but I am continually asking for opportunities to be selfless so I may learn to care about others more than I care about myself.
I have an odd sense of humor, but it entertains others at the strangest of times.
I love making those around me laugh and smile.
I love God. He has been there with me in my pain and my brokenness. He has been there with me in my selfishness and my arrogance. He has been there with me though my numbness and apathy. He has been there with me through my happiness and all the good times. He has NEVER let me down. I will do all I can to serve the God I know and love.

As Sufjan Stevens says in his song Chicago,

"I've made a lot of mistakes"

I have made a ton of mistakes, but I have learned, and changed accordingly. I've hurt, and I've hurt people, but I know things are going to be alright. Thank you Lord, for forgiving me of my mistakes and my sins, it feels so good to truly be forgiven. What I have learned, is that you can't truly find God in a relationship, no matter how good it may seem. You can't truly find God in your friends, no matter how close they are. You can't truly find God in the things of this world, because they will only bring you farther from him.

I found God in brokenness and humility. I have been thrown down, but God is lifting me up. Thank you...

Well, I think I'm done. I'm finished. it's time to move on to better things. The past is the past and it happened for a reason. There have been great times, but there are greater things in store for me. I love you Lord. Lead me and guide me. Take me where I can do your will and show people your love for them, just as you have shown me.

Amen.

Yesterday was quite fun. It was the Festival of Lights! I love going to that. It's always been an integral part of my Christmas experience. It's quite fun to go there and hang out with the elephants and penguins and just have an all around good time. This year I went with Danielle, Gwen, and Jess. It was fun because I have never really hung out with any of them that much before, so it was nice to hang out with some fun people. I bought them all those hand warmers that you have to shake up to get warm. Those came in very hand because it was freezing!

Post Festival of Lights I went to our campus coffee shop and played cards for a couple hours. I haven't played cards in quite a while so that was nice too. I won... mostly... until Susie promptly thumped me at Egyptian Rat Screw. She's amazing at that.

Finally, I went to get a shake with Jaki at UDF. That was grand. I love doing spur of the moment things with friends. We went out, got a shake, and drove around randomly until we got too tired to go any farther.

You know... sometimes God blesses you in the strangest of ways. I thought last night was going to be pretty crappy, but it turned out that it totally redeemed itself. I'm glad God has given me the time to spend with people I've never had time to be with. I hope in some way God is letting me have an impact on those around me; new friends and old. I'm not sure what God wants me to do right now... I've been asking a lot of questions, but have been getting very few answers, but I trust him. Maybe he just wants it to be a surprise. I like surprises.

God... grant me patience and strength. I know you have great plans for me, and I don't want to ruin any of it. I've already done enough of that this year. Let me and my friends finish out this semester strong and I ask that you work in their lives in amazing ways. Thank you Lord. 

It's on my myspace. http://www.myspace.com/intothelion . Check it out... you might like it.

It's called Broken People because we all are. We are all broken in one way or another. We will never be fully complete as long as we are on this earth. Let us embrace our brokenness. Let us realize that we will always be broken, and deal with each other accordingly.

No one is perfect.

Everyone has problems.

Everyone makes mistakes.

but yet... we all need forgivness. We know that we have done wrong and we know that we have hurt other people. Let's not be bitter. Let's not be hateful, because sometimes... those who hurt us just don't know what they are doing. Learn to forgive and learn to love... because we are all broken people.

I love you all.

UPDATE: instead of a new post, I'll just do this. I updated the song "Broken People" on my myspace... It now has harmonies! woot. My first ever. Hope you like.

Well, today at church there was a message about self worth. I thought it was really, really good to hear something like that at this point in my life. The one thing that was said that struck me most was that God knew there was no one in this world like me. So, he made me. He made me because I am different from every one else. He mad me because he WANTED me in this world.

It's nice to feel wanted, to feel desired... God doesn't need me, but he wants me. That means so much more in my eyes. It's nice to know where my self worth lies. Not in a relationship, not in my friends, not in my family, not in my possessions, not in my talents... because each one of those will fail you at some point. It lies in Christ. The only one who will never fail and never let you down. He has shown me what love really is. He has never given up on me, he loved me when I was furious at him, he loved me when I didn't care about him at all, he loved me when I ignored him... It is quite possibly the toughest love to imitate, but I am trying my best. As the song says, "It's more than a feeling." And it's true. Love is far greater than a feeling. It's a lifestyle. I'm learning to live a life that's full of love, even though my life has been pretty crappy as of late. When I say, "I love you," I mean it. I know where the true source of love is, and when I say it, I'm really saying "I love you in the way God loves all of us." Now, my love is not perfect love, but I'm trying as hard as I can to emulate His perfect love.  It is not a phrase I throw around lightly. It is a phrase with huge meaning, and to throw it around would make it lose the meaning and the truth that comes with it.

So when I say "I love you." on here, I really mean it. Whoever reads this, I love you. I want you to be here. I want you to be a part of my life. More than anything.

Have a great day.

Well, The semester is almost over. A lot has changed for me... I think I'm going to be done with this for a little while...

I have a lot to think about and a lot to process.

Goodbye for now... I might be back later.

Update: Remember to check the sidebar on the left to see when other sections of the site are updated. I won't announce them on here unless it's pretty worthy.

Just to explain the new photoblog a bit, I went downtown and took some pictures of people and asked them what they wanted/needed most for Christmas. I needed to experience what it was like to talk to people and understand them. I need to forget my own problems for once. Well, I'd like to explain it more, but I told myself I'd take a break from this site for awhile... So I'm just doing the photo stuff for now.

Much love.

What is the meaning of Christmas?

Love.

What is Love?

Love is giving until you have nothing left to give, and then giving some more.

Love is sacrificing what you want, your desires and dreams, for the good of those around you.

Christ gave us his life out of Love. We should not hesitate in giving our lives to him.

Don't worry about what you are going to get for Christmas. Don't worry about your little problems and predicaments. Don't worry about tomorrow. Don't worry about yesterday. Don't worry about where you will be 5 years from now. Don't worry. period.

Just show love to everyone. Those you call friends. Those you call enemies. Those you hate. Those you care for more than anything else in this world. Those you have never met. Those you have met and forgotten. But most of all, Love the Lord above all else.

Who are we to Love? Mark 12:28-31, Luke 6:27-36
How are we to Love? Romans 12:9-21, 1st Corinthians 13

Do something amazing with your life. Don't just sit there and waste your life away. Don't be happy/complacent with where you are. There is a better life waiting to be explored.

I'm exploring.
I'm finding.
Love.

Merry Christmas. I hope it is blessed.

Love,
Dave.