Real and Untouched

Well, tonight was battle of the bands at our school. A concept that is entirely cheesy and prone to ridicule (especially by me), but fun none the less. My band, One Morning In Mexico, played tonight. It is the first time we've ever performed for any audience. We've been practicing a lot and working hard at perfecting the few songs that we have. We covered one by Muse called Hysteria. I really like that song but I think we botched it up quite a bit. I know I forgot the words a lot, and my mike wasn't loud enough. But oh well. The other two songs we played were ones that I have written, Don't Worry and Let Go. I think we did pretty well on Don't Worry, though it was a little faster than I wanted it to be, it still rocked out. Let Go was where we really shined. It's funny to think that the first time I played this for everyone, we were all really skeptical of where it was going to go. I honestly didn't have any hope for it, but as we played and developed it, it began to blow me away how amazing everyone else made it sound. I love the people I play music with... Jason, amazing bassist, John, frickin' sweet guitarist, Sean, our temp drummer but a surprisingly great freshman drummer, and Jaki, our real drummer who is super creative and extremely talented. She couldn't play with us tonight due to an internship, so I was really thankful that Sean could play.

I hope we go somewhere from here. I don't want this to be all we do. I want to go places with music. Wherever God takes us I want to follow. Even if it is only here in Cincinnati, I'll still go. God has blessed each one of us with some amazing talents, and I really hope we can use them to glorify him; to show people that Christians can write and play amazing music. We're not going to be classified a Christian band. It's too limiting. The lyrics I write are not infused with Christian topics, but the talent I have and the person I am is. I was excited by the responses we got tonight. They were overwhelmingly positive. I really can't wait until we get a few more songs together so we can actually play off campus. =)

Today is the first day of November. A new month with new challenges, new friends, and new blessings. I pray that I make the most of every moment and I don't waste a minute on worthless and useless activities. May everything I do worship God, and may I not act outside of his will. Thank you Lord for everything. You amaze me.

Deeper has been updated.

Yeah, so I totally went salsa dancing tonight. What an awkward yet fun and rewarding experience. This was the first time that I've ever done anything like this and it was a total blast. I went with Heather, Nataly, Jaki, Allyson, Tara, and Deryck. Jaki asked me to go so she would have someone to dance with, but I was against it at first. But then I thought, you know, I don't really have anything to lose, and I don't have anything else to do, so why not? I felt completely out of place at first, but soon began to enjoy it. It was easy for the girls to find dance partners; there's a ton of crazy mexicans there, and they can all dance. It's a pretty sweet deal for the ladies. Guys on the other hand, are left to fend for themselves. I did alright though. I started to get it down and get into it toward the end. I'm sure I looked riduclious and awkward, but I was enjoying it. All in all, is was pretty dang fun. I think I'm going to go back sometime.

It's amazing what God does for you when you give it all to him. He gave me a really great night with some great friends doing something I've never done before. I can't wait to see what's next.

My favorite season. I can't wait for the snow. I want to go sledding. I want to go snowboarding. I want to make snowmen. I want to go ice skating. I want to have snowball fights. I want to hide in a pile of snow by Alumni and jump out and scare people when they walk by. I love the winter. It can't come soon enough. I feel more comfortable in the cold than I do in the heat. I don't know why. I've always been more partial to winter than I have summer. Maybe it's because I feel like a kid when the snow starts to fall. I get all excited and want it to dump like 3 feet instantly. That would be a dream come true. I don't know, this season just has a way of bringing people together. People gather in a house to be warm and watch a movie or play games. People gather outside to play in the snow or go ice skating. I feel that there is just more fellowship in the winter than there is in the summer. I can't wait to spend this season with my friends; the people I love.

My life has been very tumultuous the past few months, and just now it's beginning to calm down. I'm still anxious about what the future holds and about what God has planned for me, but the more I trust in him to get me day by day, the more faith I have that everything is in his hands. I really can't go wrong. I have continually been asking God to use me for his will. I want what God wants, and I know that, right now, God wants my heart. I am trying my hardest to give it to him. I want him to have all of it; every part of me. It's an amazing feeling to know that your life is completely in the hands of God. I want to be wholly devoted to him no matter what happens, no matter what pain or crap I go through. I am his.

I love you Lord. Use me to advance your kingdom. Let your will be done around me, in me, and through me. Give me problems and hardships that I can't overcome on my own. I want to grow in you, Lord. I want you.

Well, this week has been rather eventful. I found out Wednesday we won battle of the bands (woot), Thursday night I played in the student center at school, and tonight I saw the movie Babel. Thursday night's show was rather disappointing for me. I didn't perform as well as I would have liked nor did I get the response I would have liked either. It's funny, really. I get hyped up about playing for people, but when it comes down to it, I choke. I don't know why. I look back and I see that it has happened almost every time. Like, I practice my songs and I sing and play them well (at least in my mind), but when I go to perform something changes. I don't know what or why, but it does. It depresses me. It makes me not want to play anymore. I guess that's why I haven't played anywhere in so long. I thought I was finally out of my musical rut, but apparently not. I've been writing some decent songs, and I've shown them to a few people and they loved it. arg... I don't know. I've just been praying for release from this musical demon that holds me back. He's tricksy. I know last week when we played as a band I didn't feel it. I felt free when I was singing and I performed exactly how I wanted. But this week, not so much. Oh well, I hope God will show me what's wrong, but for now I just need to let it go.

On the subject of Babel: It's crazy how one seemingly innocuous event can lead to traumatizing and life changing events. It was a depressing movie that centered around language and how different forms in different countries can be a barrier or a blessing. Maybe I'll talk more about it later... right now I'm tired. I pray tomorrow will be better.

Sorry for the lack of updates. This week has been very hectic and I haven't gotten an adequate amount of sleep. I have been working on a lot of different things and it feels good to say the Thrift Store is finally nearing completion. Hopefully it'll be up by Thanksgiving.

The Playstation 3 and Nintendo Wii came out this past week. I was not able to get my hands on a Playstation, but I did manage to get two Nintendo Wii's thanks to my good, good friend John. He sacrificed about 9 hours of his time for me on Saturday to wait in line so I could get two. What a sweet guy. Jason and Nick came to visit while we were in line so that was fun. The reason I got two is that I put them both on eBay. I decided to take advantage of greedy and impatient people, so hopefully I'll make a little money off of this. I actually kind of want a Wii. They seem pretty sweet.

God is working in my life is ways I never expected. It's getting tougher, but I know that I have to depend on him completely. I can't let my guard down for one moment. He has present a whole slew of new challenges at my feet and I can't wait to overcome them.

Lord, thank you for friends who are willing to give up their time and energy. May I be willing to do the same when people ask it of me. Lord, help me to grow more and more selfless, and to leave myself behind and allow me to put others first. Give me a deeper understanding and a more meaningful relationship with you. I love you Lord, with everything within me. You are truly amazing. I need you, I want you, I desire to have you in my life. May I worship you with everything I say and do. Thank you Lord.

Well... I can't say I'm happy with where I am, but I'm content. As best I can be, anyway. I've learned from my mistakes, and have changed accordingly. I just don't know what to do anymore. Today has probably been one of the worst days I can remember. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was working on some pictures for CDT. Drew asked me to take some last night, so I was fixing them up... and actually, from the way he acted tonight, I don't even think they are going to use them. Oh well. I also had a paper due today, but thankfully I got a slight extension on that. I got completely, completely slammed at work today... I honestly thought about just walking out for the day because it was getting to be too much to handle. I just feel so overwhelmed whenever I walk through those doors. People expect so much of me and it's getting to be impossible to even perform the most basic of tasks. I really want to like my job, but I'm finding that hard to do at the moment.

Not much longer until Christmas break, I just have to hold up until then. I don't know exactly how that's going to help, but at least it gives me hope that something will be different. Maybe there will be some snow. I like snow.

If I have learned anything at all in all of this, it's "be careful what you pray for." Every single time that I have prayed for trials, struggles, and hardships, God has never failed to provide. Why in the world would I pray for hard times? It's the only way I can truly grow closer to God. Because when you have nothing left, He's the only one that can get you through. Even now, while I'm at one of my lowest points, I still pray for hardships. I know in the end, I will only be stronger and closer to the God that created me and loves me. And here I thought things were finally getting better. That'll teach me.

I still have a lot of growing to do, and I just pray God does his will in me and through me. Thank you Lord for always being there for me when I needed love. Let me be able to show that love to others who need it far more than I. Thank you Lord, for everything. You have never let me down. I ask now for strength to get through each day, faith to believe that you are always there, and trust to know that you will always bring me through these trials. Thank you, Lord.

I miss my best friend.

After I hit my lowest point today, I finally feel something great stirring within me. I know who I am and who God wants me to be. I am confident not in myself, but in Christ. In him is where my confidence lies. It is a confidence that cannot be broken. I WILL make it. I WILL see better days. I must constantly remind myself, It's not about me.... It's not about me...

It.
is.
not.
about.
me.

I have been hurt deep to the core of my heart and soul, but I will press on. I have no choice. I can't give up. I won't give up. I will NEVER give up. Thank you Lord for this strength and courageness. I want to do great and amazing things for you. It's time to live, not for myself or my desires, but for the work God has intended for me. There are certain things I hope for and I pray for, but only if it lies in God's will. If not, I'm ok with that. There will be better things.

I'm alive.